I also need to start the hunt for new employment, I do not hate my job but I need a little more out of a position. I need more mental stimulation, more financial benefits and a more positive atmosphere. I have a boss who lives in the twilight zone, after talking to him I really just want to run head first into a wall.
So I think it is time to maybe look into a position elsewhere, hopefully the next job will be my last job. I really would like to find a position where I can get some sort of feeling of accomplishment and where I can work along side people who can become a 2nd family for me, I am at a place in my life where I am maturing and these are the things I really would like to have become a part of my life. I just need to find out what I want to do, I am very indecisive and I look at everything as something I would possibly like to do but I am always hesitant to commit.
Relationship wise, I don't have any real plans on changing my situation. I see everyone else moving forward in life and looking for that partner and I really admire them for finding someone. I just don't know if that is me either, I think I am so used to being the man and woman in my life that I just don't know how to let anyone else in anymore. I also have a lot to take into consideration because of my kids, I can't being any old jerk around us so then what would I be looking for, either something super casual at which point I have to most likely date some asshole who is shallow and thinks he is getting over on me or I have to find a real family guy who just wants that - a family but do they even exist (in single form). It seems way too much to ask to find a man who has a sense of humor, some level of personality, and has some decent values. I know I will not find him online - guaranteed. I think online dating is fun and all but in reality it is a short cut to no where. It is a place for people to window shop, for people to set up physical expectations and just weed through people like flipping the pages of a magazine. People also tend to get behind a computer and let the ugliest side of themselves come out. I am all for self esteem and knowing your self worth but your self worth is just that .. YOUR Self worth, what you mean to yourself not to everyone else. I am not going to bow down to some guy who thinks he should be pat on the back for being 'honest' and saying he wants-- to just get laid-- or for not having kids. Good for you, you have embraced your ugly. Next.
I think when you meet people in person, people just have more respect for you in their interactions and intentions. They don't come at you with some nonsense because they 'can'.
I sometimes (most the time) feel like just staying single for ever. I really don't mind it, of course that is the lazy in me talking but I am not unhappy - just around the holidays or when my kids aren't around I tend to think it would be nice to have someone to talk to or go to a movie with, unfortunately then I talk to a couple of people and that goes away almost instantly. I am faced with drama, and bullshit, or a text message with a picture of their penis not even 5 mins into most conversations with the opposite sex. That is a shame.
So, this new year I really want to focus on working out and with that being said, I am looking at it for health reasons not for weight loss because I do not plan to change my eating habits. I should loose weight, but I am just not motivated enough for that, then I will be even more confused by the male approachers lol I don't need to give anyone a reason to blow more smoke up my ass. I would like to feel better in my back, knees and just in general I would like better flexibility and energy so I am hoping some small work out at nights will help me there. Who knows maybe after working out I will start to gain the motivation to care about my outfits or hair sometimes. Right now, I am too tired.
So, I am hoping to accomplish a couple things this year, lets see if I do it. Hopefully I will live to see next year and be able to look back and say that I did indeed do all the things I Set out to do this year.
I plan to start taking my kids to church, narrow down a path career wise, work out to feel better and maybe work on my social life - not dating but maybe getting out more.
God willing, this year I can make some moves towards a better, more stable future.
Truth be told every night I go to bed, I pray for a tomorrow and I focus so much on that I tend to forget to look long term.
Here's to 2012!
Dawn, Im glad to see that you are writing more. I too am working on getting out more. I told myself to be present. When someone invites me, go even if I dont want to. I can always stay 30 minutes and jet if I want but just show up. I can relate to some thing that you are saying here, about caring about appearance and just being tired. I really dont care how ppl see me and I dress for comfort not for compliments, but I am slightly changing that this year and working on looking more "presentable".
ReplyDeleteI too am looking to go to church this year. Do you follow a certain faith? I call myself a methodist, but I havent been to church in years and have an open mind to see what else is out there. Do you already have a church home? If we align in our views maybe we can go together sometime and test the waters??? I am not sure if I really like church anymore. I dont like the b.s. that come with joining congregation but I do love the fellowship.
Good luck in all you do this year.
I am 'Catholic' I suppose, I have been through all the motions in that area but when I go to a catholic church I just don't leave feeling like they gave me any real insight, like I know there was a message but I never know what that message was.. I did go to a christian church right by my house once, I loved it - we only went once but I did like the message, I would like to go there again and see if it is the same. If you would like to come with me that would be awesome. I don't know how you feel about the christian church. I went to an Unitarian (if that is how you spell it) church once and that was an experience. I wouldn't do it again but the people were very nice.
ReplyDeleteI am a huge work in progress, I feel like I got to a point where the things that are important to other people or 'society' isn't important to me and I don't know how to re-learn how to care.
Some times I think I could benefit from therapy. I get in my own head and I have a tendency to think things down so much that they are not important anymore - do you know what I mean by that? It is hard to explain, like say relationships I think them through so much that in the end I don't have the desire or need for them anymore because in my mind it is all smoke and mirrors. Hard to explain maybe we should do a lunch one day and I can try and give you a little peek into the chaos in my head lol.
I am definitely consciously working on my nature urge to back out of everything I put myself in lol .. I need to really set myself up a written schedule and force myself through things. I think sometimes having friends helps, if you can talk through some things it might help me find a resolution.
Like just tonight, I contemplated putting something on facebook but then I stopped because I thought, these people don't know me - they will give me some advice that is so wrong for me because they don't get me - then I thought about deleting the whole page because why be friends with people who don't get me.. I am telling you .. I think too much haha
In the end I keep a lot of it to myself and work through it on my own. But I think I could really benefit from actually talking to people - and not just talking but actually talking about things that matter.